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The Weekly Update — 003

  1. CNN News Anchor Anderson Cooper called Trump “an obese turtle on his back, flailing in the hot sun. Cooper later released a statement where he apologized for hurting the feelings of turtles everywhere.

  2. The fire department responded to smoke at the home of actor Denzel Washington. They thought he was a Man on Fire.

  3. Megan fox is all smiles on an outing with her boyfriend. In other news: Biden was announced as president elect. The USA has reached more than eleven million covid cases and they found a hell planet.

  4. Ivana Trump’s response to Ex-Hubby Donald losing to Biden: “I Just Want This Whole Thing to Be Over.” Lady, so does everybody else!

  5. A former Amazon engineer created an app to translate cat meows into words for humans to understand. Initial tests appear glitchy as most “meows” translate into “don’t touch me, feed me slave, I will destroy you human”

  6. There is a massive white shark population rise off the Californian coast. Scientists believe it may have something to do with the background talent casting call for the 17th installment of Sharknado.

  7. A military carrier pigeon message turned up 110 years after it was sent. After many hours of struggling to decipher the message, it read: “Hey, What’s up? 😊 DTF?”

  8. The New Yorker fired prominent writer and CNN’s chief legal analyst Jeffrey Toobin after a Zoom masturbation Incident. Said the the New Yorker: “It was hard decision to make but after long deliberation, we all came together.”

  9. A sinkhole swallowed up a van in South LA. Because in South LA, if drive-by shootings or police brutality won’t get you, the earth will.

  10. Trump has repeatedly asked if he can preemptively pardon himself. As if this year couldn’t get any funnier.

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