• Benedikt Sebastian

The Weekly Update — 002


  1. A kayaking couple was almost swallowed whole after they were scooped up in the jaws of a whale before it spat them out. When asked the couple responded; “It was a breach of our personal space, we had a whale of a time until that point, kayaking blows.”

  2. Edward Snowden plans to apply for Russian citizenship. He also emailed his resume to the KGB.

  3. Lori Loughlin is a ‘wreck’ in prison. So is every other guilty person when they’re incarcerated.

  4. Oregon becomes the first state to decriminalize hard drugs like heroin and cocaine. Oregon also announced an influx of lawyers, rappers and Johnny Depp.

  5. Burger King UK urges customers to order food from McDonald’s, Subway and KFC. Correction, they ordered their serfs to buy food from other fast food restaurants.

  6. Canada Expands Citizenship to Foreigners in Bid to Stem Exodus. Many foreigners agree that no amount of maple syrup, poutine and bacon can make up for the overly apologetic people, Nickelback and seal hunting.

  7. A Yellowstone visitor has been banned for cooking chickens in a thermal hot spring. I was merely attempting a new, secret, free-range recipe said Colonel Sanders.

  8. A helicopter delivering a heart for transplant crashed on the hospital’s helipad. An investigation found no negligence with the pilot, nor any mechanical failure, but instead are calling it a heart attack.

  9. A study found that nasal spray prevents Covid infection in ferrets. In an attempt to manage dwindling supplies, grocery stores nationwide have issued a two bottle minimum per ferret family.

  10. Hillsong Church pastor, Carl Lentz was fired because he cheated on his wife. Letters of support were sent by the Roman Catholic Church, NXIVM and the Boy Scouts of America.

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