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  • Writer's pictureBenedikt Sebastian

The Weekly Update — 004

  1. China used a secret microwave pulse weapon to cook Indian soldiers alive. Apparently they were trying out a new curry recipe.

  2. Pope Francis’ Instagram account supposedly “liked” a bikini model’s photo. The Catholic church issued an apology saying it was a mistake, he was trying to like her little brother’s photo.

  3. The Makers of grow-your-own human steaks say the meal kit is not ‘technically’ cannibalism, because you’re eating “yourself.” Does that mean every family member has to grow their own steak? What if I wanna have a buffet? What happens when I go to the Kylie Jenner’s house and I don’t wanna eat Genetically Modified Food?

  4. Dodgers Stadium is said to host a drive-through holiday festival at the stadium. For $150 fans can drive in a convoy of cars, for hours, buying hot dogs and cool drinks.

  5. Canada Is Allowing People With Depression to Do Psychedelic Mushrooms. Who knew speaking to fairies and running naked in the snow could cure depression.

  6. Twitter debuts FLEETS, where tweets disappear after 24 hours. An exciting new development for Republicans, terrorists and Kevin hart.

  7. Guitar Center is filing for bankruptcy. This is after an unsuccessful marketing strategy to sell air guitars during the pandemic led to a massive stockpile. A spokesperson for the company said all the air guitars will be destroyed in order to create oxygen.

  8. Covid-19 mink variants have been discovered in humans in seven European countries. After culling millions of Minks, Denmark has now launched a similar campaign to cull all humans.

  9. Guns N’ Roses announced their first stadium tour since the pandemic. Apparently they expect to draw more crowds, now that stadiums and public venues have been shut down.

  10. Oscar winner Matthew McConaughey may for a run for Texas governor. When asked what he felt his chances would be, he responded “Alright, alright, alright.”

  11. A Hasidic wedding in Brooklyn crammed 7000 maskless people into a synagogue in defiance of coronavirus restrictions. What do you get when you cram 7000 maskless people into a synagogue for a wedding? The downpayment on your house.

  12. Canadian officials warn drivers not to let moose lick their cars. Because in Canada if winter doesn’t kill you, the moose will.

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