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  • Writer's pictureBenedikt Sebastian

The Weekly Update 006

  1. In Thousand Oaks a large group of Carolers protested the Stay-At-Home Order Extension. They pulled out all the bells and whistles as they prepared to sang their swan song.

  2. An LA County Sheriff’s Dept Deputy, had sex at universal studios, with his mic on. Apparently he was testing out a new ride. She said, she had had better rides in her life.

  3. Ex Hillsong members claimed the church is a cult and that they demanded slave labor. A cult exploiting people in the name of a higher purpose… What else is new?

  4. A rare 18th century violin was stolen from an art dealer’s home in Los Angeles. Police are calling it an act of Domestic Violins.

  5. Kim Yo Jong is set to become the first Woman Dictator in history. Just what the world needs, a frustrated woman, building on her father’s legacy while trying to outdo her twisted brother’s reign, in charge of 70 Nuclear Weapons.

  6. The Moderna vaccine supposedly triggers side effects in people with cosmetic fillers. I guess Florida will have to secede from the United States.

  7. 50,000-gallon sewage spill prompts temporary closure of all beaches in Long Beach. They weren’t talking shit when they said they’re gonna close the beaches.

  8. Hillary Baldwin, calls herself Hilaria, dons an accent and spends almost 20 years claiming to be Spanish. Hilarias.

  9. Tom Cruise blew up at workers for breaking COVID-19 rules. Let me rephrase that — High level cult member rants… expect increase in membership.

  10. Archaeologists uncovered an ancient Street Food Shop in Pompeii. Apparently they had a huge craving for charred food and burnt toast. Must’ve been stoned.

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